


fine

by polterguy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, Kleinsen, M/M, realizing things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 10:26:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13029084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polterguy/pseuds/polterguy
Summary: “Is this a discreet way of asking if I can bring over drugs?”Evan… laughs? “N-no! I’m just bored!”“Okay, I’m bringing over the drugs.”“Jared, noooooo!”“Be there in a minute, with the drugs. Bye.” Jared hangs up before Evan can respond.He runs to his car and jumps in the driver’s seat, slamming the door shut behind him.As soon as the car starts, it hits him.He puts his head down on the wheel, holding down the horn. Hoooooooooooooooooonk.





	fine

Jared has this problem.

This problem that is swirling around in his stomach, that is eating at everything under his skin and making his blood boil. It makes him feel sick just thinking about it. 

It’s been here for a while now, and yet, Jared has developed no callous towards it; It hits him with all its severity everytime it drags itself from the back of his mind into his consciousness, where it will stay for hours at a time, usually (if not always) at the most unfortunate of occasions. He’s tried pushing it back, ignoring it, once even attempting to gaslight himself into thinking it doesn’t exist. All of this was obviously to no avail, since it’s still here, prominently and relentlessly. He’s doomed, cursed to forever be bothered by this one little thing he has no way of solving, ever. It’s hopeless.

  
It’s Evan.

 

More specifically, it’s Jared’s pathetic crush on Evan. 

 

God, Jared hates even allowing the words to fully form in his mind. “Crush.” “Evan.” He wants to punch something. He tries to think of something else.  
**_Quick, think of something else._** _  
__Something else._

**_Uhh. Elephants, Let’s think of elephants. They’re interesting, they’re cool right?_ **

_ Just think about elephants or memes or something and don’t think of Evan. _

**_Don’t think about him._ **

_ Evanevanevanevanevanevanevanevanevanevanevanevanev- _

**_Stopstopstopstop. Cut it out, brain. Calm down._ **

**_Calm down, Jared. You’re in class, having an internal conversation with yourself. People are looking at you. You were making animated facial expressions again._ **

Okay, so this doesn’t work. Obviously. 

_ Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Evan was less perfect and gorgeous. Yeah, it’s all his fault, anyway.  _

The funny thing is, Evan isn’t even actually perfect and gorgeous. He’s a deeply flawed, average-looking person. Objectively, he should be easier to resist. Jared shouldn’t have to struggle so hard everytime he sees him to keep him out of his head. 

Jared thinks that maybe this is the key. Think about everything wrong with Evan all the time. He makes a little mental list to go through every time those horrid feelings start creeping in:

  * He tears at his cuticles with his gross, bitten down nails until his hands are bleeding.
  * He has bumps and scars all over his upper arms from scratching and pulling at his skin.
  * He eats too quickly.
  * He never styles his hair.
  * He panics too easily.
  * He’s a compulsive liar. Last week he lied about what he had for breakfast despite having literally no reason to.
  * Despite definitely being a nerd, his clothing usually leans dangerously toward the prep category.
  * Freckles coat every inch of his skin, like constellations dusting across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose and-
  * Wait, fuck. 
  * That’s actually really cute.
  * Damnit.



 

Jared’s sad attempt at thinking the gay thoughts away fails again. 

It’s not even as bad as it could get yet, though. He’s just in math class right now. Next period is gym, where Evan will be wearing shorts and a smaller-sized white t-shirt he ordered last year and grew out of but kept because he was too nervous to ask his mom for a new one, with all the money issues in their house and whatnot. It rode up when Evan did sit-ups and Jared would have to tear his eyes away and try to push down the feeling of being a disgusting crazed pervert that stares at guys. It’s just hard not to stare when Evan, in all his blond glory, is so close to him, all hot and sweaty and grunting and-

**_Oh god, there it goes again._ **

_ Fuck off, brain. _

_  
_ Gym does end up rolling around, and Jared changes in the stalls so there isn’t a chance he’ll catch Evan shirtless. He did once before, and it had almost made his heart explode and he had audibly jumped and squeaked involuntarily. It was bad.

Evan has a new shirt, this time, which actually fits him. Jared almost feels a twinge of disappointment, and promptly pinches himself to snap out of it. Why should he be sad that he got a better shirt? Shouldn’t he be happy? Or better yet, why should he care one way or the other? Apathy is the opposite of love.

Jared struggles to be apathetic. He has a lot of opinions. About politics, about his family and theatre and school, and, unfortunately, about Evan. 

He kind of hates himself.   
No big deal, though.

  
  


The semester goes by faster than Jared expects, and before he knows it, it’s The Holidays. Hannukah happened, but in Jared’s opinion, was pretty boring. (Evan had gone out-of-state to visit his family, leaving Jared with nobody to talk to. The whole, “I have plenty of other friends besides you that I could hang out with at any time I wanted” thing was and still is, a complete lie. He’s got Connor somewhere on his contacts list, but the number is saved as, “Dont pick up”. He decides to heed his own warning and not bother texting him.

Evan comes back for New Year’s Eve, because his mom has to work at the hospital. 

 

[Brrrring. 

Brrrring.

Brrrring.

Brrrring.]

Jared picks up his cellphone, and slides to answer without looking at the number. He doesn’t care if it’s a telemarketer. At least it’s someone. “Hello?”

“Uh. H-hey, Jared. It’s me, Evan. My mom’s out late so I’m kind of alone and I was wondering if you wanted to come over?”

**_Oh shit._ **

**_Quick, deflect._ **

“Is this a discreet way of asking if I can bring over drugs?”

Evan… laughs? “N-no! I’m just bored!”

“Okay, I’m bringing over the drugs.”  
“Jared, noooooo!”  
“Be there in a minute, with the drugs. Bye.” Jared hangs up before Evan can respond.  
He runs to his car and jumps in the driver’s seat, slamming the door shut behind him. 

As soon as the car starts, it hits him.   
He puts his head down on the wheel, holding down the horn. Hoooooooooooooooooonk.

**_God, I’m such an idiot. Why the fuck did I say that?_ **

 

He gets there at 11:45 P.M.

 

“Jared!” Evan wave him in, patting a spot on the couch next to himself. Some old video game thing is hooked up to the TV. “I thought you wouldn’t come! You were so late!”

“That’s what I said to your mom last night,” Jared snickers, sitting down.  
“Jared, oh my God, no. No! You are officially uninvited.”

“Not after you see what I brought. It’s the good stuff.”  
“Did you really just-”  
“Watermelon Sour Patch Kids, baby!” Jared’s brain is internally still honking the horn. Everything he says and does is MAD STUPID. Despite this, Evan smiles brightly. 

“Ah, those are my favorite, actually! Good job Jared, you did, indeed, bring the good stuff.”

 

They play video games for a minute or two, but Jared’s playing on autopilot, from muscle memory. His mind is preoccupied with Evan’s hands. He wants to hold them. He wonders how they warm they would be. He lets them lose a few times in a row before Evan just pauses the game. 

It’s 11:55.

 

“Jared, what’s wrong?”  
“Hmm- Oh, huh? What?” Jared snaps his eyes across the room. “Nothing’s wrong.”  
“Jared, I wanted you to come over so we could talk anyway, I was worried you were ignoring me and…” He trails off. 

“I’m not, trust me.”  **_Shut up Jared Shut up Jared Shut Up Before You Ruin Everything-_ **

**_  
_ ** There was a long silence.

 

“...What do you mean?”  
“I mean, well, I’m never ignoring you. Because.” **_SHUT UP JARED SHUTUPJARED YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING JARED STOP_** ** _  
_** “Because?” Evan cocked his head to the side.  
“Because.” ** _NO._** “I.” _**STOP.**_ “L-like.” **_DON’T YOU DARE._** “I like.” **_SHUT UP._ ** “I Like-”

It’s 12:00.   
Evan grabs Jared’s face and kisses him as hard as he can.    
  


**Author's Note:**

> ty for readin! Comments make my life!!


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